The KEX files
by AlternativeC
Summary: Mildred and Silly are on the case.


Title: The KEX Files Pilot. Part 1/many.  
Author: *Looks around* ...I guess that would be me!  
Email: cool_slayerchick@hotmail.com  
Status: Part 1/many.  
Category: Spoof  
Spoilers: The Pilot  
Rating: R...sort of. It's naughty.  
Content Warnings: Kinkyness  
Summary: Meet Special agent Foxy Mildred and his new partners , Diana Silly   
, as they investigate unexplained fashion disasters all over America...  
Disclaimer: Not mine. One day though....one day...  
Authors notes: Send feedback. You know you want to...  
  
THE KEX FILES...(The Gusset is out there!)  
  
Diana Silly walked into the office of Skinny , her new superior agent at the Ann Summers Society to Help Officials Lose Evidence...(ASSHOLE for short.)  
"Ah , Agent Silly! Take a seat." Standing behind him was a figure in the shadows. It was a man , and he was smoking what Silly thought must be a roll-up , but it smelled somewhat suspect. Being American however , he was not inhaling.  
"Agent Silly," continued Skinny , "I notice you were recruited into   
ASSHOLE straight out of high school after getting a distinction in   
needlework. You took the seven and a half minutes intensive training and passed with best in class after your dissertation - 'Why Einstein was only taking joking.' You have been in the service now for eight years and have sold over thirty eight million vibrators in that time in the Tyne and Wear area."  
"Yes sir," said Silly, "thirty seven and a half in one street alone."  
"Agent Silly , are you aware of an Agent Mildred?"  
"Yes sir. Agent Mildred was well known back at the academy for his unusual taste in lingerie. He has a nickname....Stripey Mildred."  
"Agent Mildred has developed an unhealthy interest in a project called the Kex Files. You are assigned to work with Agent Mildred and you must report on the validity and the scientific basis of his work from your objective viewpoint."  
Silly shifted uneasily in her chair. "Am I to understand you want me to debunk the Kex files , sir?"  
"Agent Silly , just report using your scientific knowledge as a basis for your judgments and conclusions."  
Agent Silly got up to leave the room , turning to face Skinny once more before she finally walked out into the empty corridor.  
"That was a yes , right? Just making sure."  
With that , she left the office , and the smoking man leant towards Skinny conspicuously.  
"I think 'the bees' have gone to sleep now sir , would you like me to   
collect the 'honey'?"  
  
In his office , Agent Mildred is looking at slides of a case he has   
decided to pursue. A knock at the door signals Silly's arrival.  
"Ah ha!" cries Mildred , "The spy has arrived!"  
"Agent Mildred - I've been assigned to work with you. I'm a fully   
qualified sewing machinist."  
"I know , I've read your file. That stuff about Einstein was a load of bollocks , by the way. It's obvious the width of the stripes must vary with the velocity at which your perceive them. Anyway..." he smiled , flicking the slide projector switch ,"...take a look at this!"  
"Put that away you filthy bugger!"  
"Oh , I'm sorry. I don't know how that slide got in there. I meant this one. The woman Josie Jameson was found in a forest near Weirdshit city in Oregon. there is no plausible explanation for her death. What's more , look at what she's wearing. Only a red basque and blue stockings! Surely nobody could choose that combination. I know I wouldn't."  
"Mildred , all this proves is that she had absolutely no taste , that may be why she was killed! How did the coroner record her death?"  
"Well , that's the thing Silly. The death certificate lists the cause of death as external bleeding caused by a hundred and sixty two stab wounds in the back. But as you can see from the picture , no wounds and no blood. Also , look at this..."  
He flicks through a few slides , "Hannah McNethy , September 12th '93; Jenny Anderson , August 23rd; Eric Lancaster , July 18th. All found in the forest , all wearing the same type of red basque and blue stockings."  
"What do you suggest we do?"  
"Let's check out Weirdshit city!"  
  
It's raining in Oregon , as Silly and Mildred drive towards Weirdshit city, in their luminous pink Reliant Robin , the standard ASSHOLE vehicle.   
The radio was tuned in to a country and western station , (Mildred was   
convinced the Country music was the first wave of an Alien attack on Earth ,and that Willy Nelson and Dolly Parton were King and Queen of Venus), so that they could keep up to date on the alien attack. Either side of the road , a forest extends for miles into the distance.  
Suddenly , the radio through stations at random , the headlights start to flicker , and the engine started to choke as the Reliant Robin slows.   
Mildred checks his watch; it is three minutes past nine. A flash of blinding lights , and the engine stops all together , the radio switches off and the lights go dead.  
A few seconds later , the headlights are back on , the radio is tuned in and everything is back to normal.  
"What the hell was that?" asked Silly.  
"I think something has happened here. Something very strange."  
"But we're in a Reliant Robin. Things like this are bound to happen to the car!"  
"No , but look at the time , it's nine:twelve! A few moments before the flash , I checked my watch and it said nine:oh three! We lost nine minutes! WA-HEY! WHOOOOO! YEE HAWWWWWWW!"  
"What the fuck are you 'Yee-hawwwing' about?"  
"Oh , sorry. I was just getting into the country and western mood. Anyway, people who get abducted by aliens usually report a loss of time. I'm gonna mark the spot."  
Mildred steps out of the car and walks behind by about ten yards. As Silly patiently watches on , a little confused , he pulls down his trousers ,   
squats and Silly notices grimace on his face as he marks the ground. After a few moments , he stands up , and wanders back to the car with his Armani pants still around his ankles , and they continue their drive to Weirdshit   
city.  
  
Shall I write more?  



End file.
